In my life, I have met a king and a queen and they both matter to me. They came from different class, attended different classes and are now in a class of their own. They have been great teachers in my life. And no, this isn’t a cautionary tale. Perhaps, a story about flight or fight, at least in the process of taking off that is.

I am now seated in my makeshift office room, on the 2nd floor of dad’s outfit. I have taken over the library by plonking in two 4ft tables with 4 chairs to match. The room is filled with, evidently, books and more books. Some files, and many older ones too. At a particular section, it’s all filled with liquor. Nah, it wasn’t a funny joke, it was already there before I came in but I’m laughing to myself, I guess when I do get stressed up, that part of the library would help me very much. Anyway, it’s just space for him to keep some stash away. He doesn’t drink much of any hard liquor other than rare occasions like last night where he plainly classified as medicine for his cough; hot Brandy. Hot Brandy for the daddy. Hmm.

I have mentioned that I have greatly reduced my consumption and I plan to maintain a very clean and moderate level while I’m at it. It’s been good for me, training hard and keeping well. Hope the marks of victory will soon bloom before me.

Now, she’s quite a darling. Simple. She’s a simple person, I can’t say much more than just that. And he’s, well, complex (at least most think so). One reveals from the heart, the other is analytical most of the time, and counts life by managing risks, playing on probability and studying facts. And what does that make me? Simply complex! Sigh.

I am trying to understand myself if that makes any sense, or make some sense of my DNA make up of the king and queen in my life. More so, as I handle (battle) daily doings around the “let’s-have-a-crowd” environment, I’m in a position whereby I need to suss out temperaments and it doesn’t come naturally for me. Furthermore, seeing how I react to the different temperaments becomes a challenge too.

So here I am, some say, you’ve the best of both worlds and rightfully, I feel torn between the two. How should I move next?

I’ve been mentally occupied. Someone once said that a working mind is attractive. However, my mind is not attracting the right flow of thoughts. So this may be an entry (rant) just to shake things up a little for myself. I have been very occupied off late. I can’t put down to a finger exactly what that may be but many stirring thoughts in my mind are leading me to feel a tad bit of tiredness.

Sigh.

It’s a bunch of reasons. And to some degree, expectations. It’s like the story of Two Lines that I play in my head. Two similar lines on a journey sharing a parallel path but they never meet. I have been trying to process some thoughts off late and started my binary exercise again. Asking questions with a simple ”yes” or ”no” platform and working down the chain. Binary, I know, told you so.

Double Sigh/ (Sigh. Sigh)

I guess what would’ve have helped if things were pretty much on schedule when I first began but I am still waiting patiently for all to fall in place. Matter of weeks now, but I must admit, it has dramatically slowed me down. I just wished it all came sooner and I had quicker answers to some numbing thoughts in my head. It’s been exhausting processing these fine verbatims in my head. I shall be patient since it’s suppose to be a virtue after all.

You’ve gotta be patient with me, I don’t know where this entry is heading to just yet. I was getting some work done but the internet has been extremely slow and the IE browswer had so many bugs in it that didn’t allow me to upload and make changes to certain parts of my work. I’m annoyed and again, if only the new computer comes then will I be able to configure it to my desire and start pumping some real material out. (Yes, I’m in the office)

I’m heavy.

In thoughts and feelings, I know. I guess that’s just me to begin with. I have been rather poetic in my scribbles and I continue to flirt with such lines in my journal. It’s been extremely engaging. Mind you, it’s not always like that. Consider this, a season on its own.

I’m heavy.

Loaded with responsibilities and expectations. I know the journey ahead is an entirely new course for me at the moment. I walk afraid but try my best. I am being very careful and covering all grounds before my eyes sink to the ground. I feel alone, lacking support and continue to press on. But I know I’ve made the choice and as much as I’m excited and gearing heavy to move out, I also measure my risks along the way. I think what I’m trying to say here is, there hasn’t been much great momentum so far. There’s been some burst of sprints here and there, but otherwise nothing to push me for the long haul. I am writing honestly because I want to look back after 3 years to see what my thought processes were in this new landmark journey for myself.

I call myself a writer/actor/marketer/technology interest/strategist/creatitve juice machine and personal friend to some and a friend to many – but I can’t help asking myself again, what am I exactly doing? I know for a fact that I’m embarking on this journey of entrepreneurship but do I dare call myself that? An entrepreneuer. If the definition remains as

a person who organizes and manages any enterprise, esp. a business, usually with considerable initiative and risk, then this may be true.

To what enterprise may this be then? I can’t mention at this point because it’s still in the brewing kitchen but development has begun and I’m thrilled to be on such a movement. There’s more coming and I’ll share relevant updates along the way. But this is not about that, not this entry at least.

On the flipside, over lunch this afternoon, the dialogue of what should I be auditioning for next year and my recent casting visitations to some agencies had allow me to plant new seeds after taking a break for sometime. Thankfully, it was all good memories relived. So, I’ll just leave that on the backburner and if there’s anything that would crop up, I’ll see what’s there to bite. Stretching further, the shy reserved side of me would rather not stretch but I told myself, if you’ve gotta try and give all you got in anything you do and that’s just what I’m doing.

My apologies. I would’ve written sooner but there’s been a cloud of things that needed my attention. If it’s any consolation, I could still find the silver lining and here I am putting them down in words.

“I’ve been waiting for you”, she said.

I’ve been delaying this for way too long. This entry has been stashed in my drafts folder for weeks now. I figured, it’s best I just get it out of the way and get cracking with the rest. It’s probably lost a bit of its zing because I can’t particularly remember everything now. Sigh.

My most recent update include the end of our performance tour for Crazy Little Thing  Called Love. We finished our 36th performance in Kuantan and to our surprise, we were interviewed by The Star. An informal review was written on this blog. We’ll be updated when the actual edition will be published and I’m looking forward to it and marks a great closure to the season as well. It’s been quite a monumental run for me as our final performance marks my 95th performance on stage with Footstool Players spanning 3 productions – Runaway Bride, Walk His Trail and Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

The last 4 years performing with Footstool Players have taught me a lot. Discipline, perseverance, community, prayer and fellowship just to mention a few. I was given an opportunity to experience my new found interest in the performing arts, to serve God and the community through the arts, and broaden my horizon as I visited different venues, different churches and having conversation with the many sorts. All those little gems collected over the years, while honing up new skills and pushing myself to deliver through hard work has given me the tenacity to fight, and fight well indeed.

More importantly, I think God has also taken that approach to work in my life and for that I’m thankful.

This is the end of scene. At least for now. I’m closing the chapter and moving on to new things but I’m taking every valuable lesson, priceless memories of my experience into the new division of my work. After months of deliberating, and praying through certain issues and looking at my current situation; I made the call to step down from Footstool Players for the 2010 season. Do stay updated with news and upcoming productions with Footstool Players at our facebook page here. I’m looking forward to new chapters in my life and I’ve been writing the new pages. Turn the page with me and share the journey of life because I need the hands myself. It’s extremely exciting yet daunting for me. I do plan to give my best in my new future endeavours and well, if you’re reading this – wish me well, and the best in all I do. It’s a whole new platform but a responsibility nonetheless and I look forward to carving a new sculpture in the months to come.