As I was taking the throne this morning, I was shaken and very much awaken to find out news that has come to my knowledge a week late. There I was heeding the call of nature with my Mac, trying to capture the morning knowledge, I saw her online with a status message – remembering 20.2.2009.

I had assumed it was an anniversary.

I messaged in response to an earlier mail that required response and partly due to my part, the workings of life that failed me in corresponsding as quick. In the mail, the sharing of her father’s health troubled me by her vivid descriptions and I took a mental and spiritual note to remember uncle in prayer very much, the times where I could. Moreover, I thought about him as a man and a person I got to know where through his hospitality; kindness and a sense of warmth was constantly shown. I enjoyed his frienship and company very much, not to mention his cute antics and facial expressions.

He was a good man. I got to know this morning, that the Lord has taken him home a week ago. There has been a deep impression on my part that my trip to Singapore sometime before mid year would schedule at least a visit to him. Just to share life, and catch up wit him. To say, “hi, uncle, how are you?” To talk about God, career and life.

I am constantly remembering the scene where we had lunch after church with the family, where we ate at this curry place with all the other side little dishes. Somehow, the transfers of portions of food to one another with delightful conversations, in which I took a short break with him to get more food, and he went on to say share about how some of these are just great dishes on its own. Simple pleasure, timely treasures I would call it.

There is a sense of regret, that I had not acted more intentionally to follow up. That I had been swamped and quickly chasing nuts and bolts of corporate life. Where I am, taken and swept by the work storm. But it made me think today, this morning, the importance of my relationship with you, you and you. Yes, each one of you.

As I remember her and especially her family. I remember my own. The fear when the head of the house parts from us, I would be in the stand in for the coming. To think I had dinner with dad last night somehow became a bit more settling for me.

But cancer is indeed a killer, as it has done for many. My memories and thoughts draws me back again to my monologue – I am my father’s son. The paragraph where it describes him on his death bed.

He’s hardly recognizable from the man he was four months ago. His eyes are glazed and glassy as he endures the pain from laboured breathing, bed sores, and other sources of pain I can’t possibly comprehend. The morphine may have helped numbed his pain, but it also made him barely lucid.

That trailing emotion with depth full of vividness captures some bits of my reaction of today’s news. I am assured though, at least, that He is with the Lord.

We’ll meet, in heaven.

I’ll call you soon, we need to talk, I promise.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8: 37 – 39

Psalm 37
A psalm of David.

Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper
it only leads to harm.
For the wicked will be destroyed,
but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.

Soon the wicked will disappear.
Though you look for them, they will be gone.
The lowly will possess the land
and will live in peace and prosperity.

The wicked plot against the godly;
they snarl at them in defiance.
But the Lord just laughs,
for he sees their day of judgment coming.
(Psalm 37:1-13 NLT)

After copying this down from a devotional, I felt thirsty and decided to get myself a refill. I met a colleague by the corridor and joined her for a walk to the pantry and moved along the lines in our conversation as such:

Me: How are you? Long day with meetings today, huh?

E: Yeah lor, m good.

Me: How was church on Sunday?

E: Interesting.

Me: Oh (intrigued), how so? (I wanted to shared mine too) What was the message about?

E: Prosperity.

Me: Oh, that’s interesting. Tell me more?

E: Don’t compare other people’s blessing with your blessing. God blesses you because He wants you to understand His blessing. At times, we may want other peoples’ blessing therefore we don’t feel content with what we have. Instead, God is showing you His love in the many ways that he has blessed you with, so that you may understand and know Him more. (In the same way, so that we may become a blessing to others)

Me: That is a very good point, thank you. I am blessed. Thank you.

We had to part ways after that, and I really wanted to share about my service on Sunday. If you’re wondering what would it have been, I would have said, “we get really good bread and sizeable chunks during communion”. Really, it’s all about working out your faith and thinking it through

This is definitely worth a watch, and moreover, definitely something to think about.

I have been trying to get my gear into photography and have said to self, that I should spend more time shooting. I had the opportunity this morning to shoot for Ambi Pur Car 3 Launch, as part of work, with an obvious standing of no fee but all experience to gain. I just need to keep practising and I’m really enjoying it. These are some of my favourite shots for the day:

More on descriptor moments later.

Daydreaming about something in order to do it properly is right, but daydreaming about it when we should be doing it is wrong.

All people dream, but not equally.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind,
Wake in the morning to find that it was vanity.

But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people,
For they dream their dream with open eyes,
And make them come true.

~D.H. Lawrence 

Food for thought if you are a dreamer of the day.

I stepped on the weighing scale two days ago and had an awakening. First, I passed the 70kgs mark and second, I gained 4 kgs.

I struggled (now, in hindsight, probably thankful) with  maintaining previous 68kgs weight zone, which meant I could never pass that mark. Actually, I am underweight for my height and my skinny legs show for it. But I walk, talk and sleep well and that is sufficient for my daily routine, so it doesn’t really matter.

The part where it matters is this; Pushmore is working. And it is working well, I have not been so defeated day in day out till I joined Pushmore. The more I work at it, the more I realize that I have so much to go. What I do go about is also this, I eat. And I eat a lot. I am just so hungry after gym at times where I would devour rounds of food after food, it’s like going for a pint after the other, chasing the dragon in drug till you basically become floaty and ideally pass out, in my resting case, I sleep

Oh, the Garfield in you I say.

Last week was a clear example remembering tail end Friday at a chinese farewell dinner plus lunch earlier in the day – I polished off 5 bowls of rice (2 in the afternoon and 3 at night). Yes, I am a ”fan tung” (rice head?)

Truth be told, I love rice. And may the truth be bold too, I store rice pretty well now. Therefore, I don’t burn as I would like since my bmx cycling hey days when I was a kid, nor an active university student where my best mode of transportation were my legs that allowed me to burn and turn at every corner to embrace Melbourne as much as I would like.

But rice oh rice, it’s been a long standing relationship indeed.

Clearly, I have expanded my waistline. I heard this yesterday at lunch, “it’s better to let it go to waste, than let it to your waist” - a comment shared by a female colleague, as quoted from her boyfriend. I found that to be a grainy chuckle for me.

So comfortable 32 inch has now moved up the ranks to 34 inches. Far cry from the high school days where at 17, I was 48kgs with waistline of 24 inches. If only climbing the corporate letter was that progressive, huh? :p

But I have to take a cut, not a paycut mind you, the diet cut in implementing my no rice policy as trial run to see its effectiveness. It’s like giving up smoking or drugs. I am bound to have withdrawal symptoms and what more, when the staple is all around you. In an effort to begin such a stance, I said no to Kopitiam lunch and instead prance around the supermarket and landed with this:

Oats have been a popular choice with fitness diet and proved to control weight and lower cholestrol. The latter serves a bountiful purpose for me, because my my favourite food items are infused with cholestrol love. Oozing. So here I am, attempting to replace my usual heavy loaded carb diet simply because I am Malaysian and love anything from curry to hurry fried noodles.

How do you eat oats in a nice way anyway? I am just gonna do this, serve it cold over a cup of strawberry yogurt with a dash of soy milk, or a little more, and sprinkle raisins. Hope this healthy mixture would be edible and suited for my taste bud-dies.

I just snacked a pack of Ligo raisin whilst waiting for the soy milk and yogurt to be cold. Right now, I am hungry as hell, thinking of the heavy loaded local opportunities but I am saying no with the No Rice policy.

“Tak Nak Nasi” campaign.

And I am far from being a raisin.

Doubt it’ll improve performance for double unders, but the double layer covering the shy abs may one day come out of his envelope. But it’s long time coming before sticky rice become the next McDonalds hot seller.

In more cuisine news, I’ll be updating the future with a glass of white.

As I begin the week, I need to commit my 4 day week ritual at Pushmore. As I begin in reshaping my thoughts, and clearing clutter, I must press on to swing through the heaviness of pending concerns and trudge through the squeeze of life.

May I be grounded this week, very grounded.

Today is Sunday, there’s a half hour before it ends. The half hour left, that I will have for myself, alone. As the cursor blinks, it signals my thoughts to written in what entails this particular Sunday best. I think it’s best narrated from a raw stature, perhaps revealing mistakes which makes it more noteworthy. 

It’s been a packed Sunday, not to mention the extreme humid weather that doesn’t serve any liking for my epidermis at all. Nonetheless, there were many well captured moments by my eyes and has always served as the best lens for registering thought bubbles only to revisit them later. 

The first capture was at church, which I was pleasantly comfortable and amused by worship service, simply because I knew so many familiar songs. I thought to myself, the worship leader must have brethren background What dawned on me particularly, was the little boy (baby, I think), who was Sivin’s son, in which he carried throughout worship. He rested gently upon his dad – his eyes caught me; both wide resting in security and comfort and moving on about with the rocking and gentle sway. It wasn’t too long, before it became one eye big and one eye small but that I couldn’t help looking back at the young boy throughout the worship. It just affirmed one thing for me, that he was at peace with his father. 

It reminded me, that I needed to be at peace with my Father. It was a sight for me, that resting assurance – in the quiet facade portrayed a living and utmost dependance. I relate perhaps because, I have not been that young boy in rest. 

And I just found out, his name is Ewan. I should say Hi, next time That quiet, contemplative look drew me to him very much. Similarly, I should catch up with him over a biscuit if I get a chance. 

Just as much as today’s message. I must say, I resonated a lot and I am still very much in gear, thinking through about the subject of boundaries and God did not fail to show me, that process throughout the day. It’s ironic, sometimes, the harder boundaries to bridge through are the ones closest to you. 

When I finally came to terms with moving church, it set the most unfamiliar platform to be resting on. But i have made the choice, and also chose a commitment to invest in another for reasons that I have worked out based on my current season. I really do hope I will grow in my new environment. 

Coming to terms really perms a new landscape that can only be appreciated later. this is such one case.

What could be appreciated sooner, were meaningful conversations. I had that opportunity, and it unraveled much to my stirring desires, my uplifted confusions and the many junctures that would lead any turn, any possibility. I was reminded that God would be the guide on such a voyager. 

That He should be center, and that the centers does move, and so must we. On the seventh, the sabbath, I may have moved one step forward but landed two steps back. I blink to see my lack of progress.

Instead, I am now on my knees; reshaping myself, realigning my centre so I may have that peace in a quiet contemplative understanding knowing despite everything that is going on, that will go on and the much that has to carry on – He is holding me in His arms, rocking away, swaying gently so that I may rest, with one eye big, one eye small just like how I normally look.

G-Oo-dnight.