I finally found a scribble working title!
After a much on repeat on Siti Nurhaliza’s Cinta Pertama, and just flipping through memories and recent triggered conversations, a name popped to mind and with a language incentive to turn it around abit and thinking about it wholesomely, I think this would be it 
It starts with K.
Comes Monday, only to get home just slightly after 12am to realize this! – I don’t have my house keys. After searching and checking through some possible spots, I knew then I had left my keys in my office drawer. I had to do the next possible thing, drive back to the office, get into the lift and hit the 10th floor and open up all passages and security to get my keys. I was so tired-lah.
It’s been such an exhausting day at work, seems to always be – in that zone of pressure cooker, I hope I’m brewing something worthy of myself. Time passes so quickly during work hours. Zip zap and you’re done.
It was a fun evening albeit tiring (due to work and physical tiredness I suppose), but I did have a blessed time during VO sessions on childrens’ bible explorer project tonight. It was a lengthy one but great catch up with some folks, as the conversations grew deeper in depth and sprung further in laughs. My body was shutting down on me. Rightfully, should have attended rest a lot earlier as tomorrow beckons another choc a bloc routine.
I really wish I had more quiet and time to just reflect the pass two days, it’s been such a blessing and really, you just want to take a moment to welll take it all in.
As I begin tomorrow, knowing the little sleep I’ll have and possible so drained out anyway, trying my best composure to recuperate as much as I can, I was looking through the bible searching for some comfort and encouragement, I was drawn to this passage:-
So Jesus answered and said to them, “Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, “Be removed and be cast into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says. “Therefor I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.” ~ Mark 11: 22 – 24.
With this, I rest in assurance of my provider and I know for sure, I can’t make it through the day tomorrow without Him.
So I’m going to just do that – take the time to be still before Him, and pray.
The hibernation of film making intrigues me.
A introduced me to this great lil’ hideout in Gardens. Quiet little joint of a starbucks tucked deep in at the corner of Borders. Since I’m pulling some work hours today and I really wanted to move out of my cubicle for a change, this has been great.
After 8 blog entries and 1 phone conversation, it all began to make sense through confirmation of the conversation which I was very grateful and appreciative. That made me sleep well last night and waking up afresh and no sign of the emotional stir within me. Today I was faced with doing some form of ‘writing’ which I can’t disclosed and required a good amount of maturity. I’m glad though, after the final edition – I was at peace with it. I claim the promise and move on. I am learning the tough lesson to be at peace with choice making. But it helps when you talk it through with friends under the context of ‘meaningful conversations’; which lacks by a substantial amount because the nature of our working lifestyles.
I mean, it’s late – but I’m doing a blog entry with my bible opened on one side, footstool scripts on the other, trying to absorb everything in as much as I can muster before the next day comes along, which has, and I already know my set of ‘to-do list’ and there’s heaps.
We had our first session of bible study tonight with Dr Ng. The group comprise of 2 married couples and 3 singles. Some are lawyers, financial controllers, other corporate setting shadows but clearly we were all urban skewed candidates. Interesting dynamics. Dr Ng has a wealth of experience and I’m actually very surprised that he has taken time to spend and harvest? share with our group. We started off the session by having conversations and discussing some topical issues, just letting the flow take us. What I like about the dynamics was the honest sharing of struggles involve in our daily lives and Dr Ng was probing what sort of issues would you like to cover? Asking what is it in Bangsar Gospel Centre that is attracting you, what’s making you stay or move? Business ethics was brought up, and even skills and knowledge of doing exposition of the bible was highlighted. Simply because, one asked, “there are so many ways of interpreting the bible and I’m reading it like how I would read my legal textbooks, and I’m unsure if i’m right?”
Fair and valid questions I felt tonight. I think we’re all stuck in a standstill.
I had my beefing concern to in which I spoke:-
Many young people today are working longer hours and some are expected to travel. The nature of their work are bringing them places simply because the vocation that we have fitted in are align to our respective degrees, and you will see more and more young people being in the time limbo balance. We’re not in the 60s where work ends at 5:30 and minimal tv, no internet and therefore a Christian may go to church 3 times a week for various meetings. Traffic alone after work really tires you out, how do we find that balance?
I like how Dr Ng who understood (a former teacher but now in full time ministry) and mentions about having a rhythm. Some things work for you and some things don’t because you are programmed by the nature of your work right now. He believes the that the phase/stage of my life may require the 100% at secular work and yea, you might just have to do your job.
This led on to programmed bible study courses etc – which is basically a giving of information which he like to the McDonalds of the bible today – McDonaldlization of the church – where efficiency, standardization, value meals are given. The problem lies also in churches that they don’t even serve porridge therefore the mcdonalds would just have to do! That really cracked me up. But I think there’s a realization here that church in itself (at least for me, I am reviewing this portion of my life very carefully right now).
Like I said, I found the personal solitude on a Sunday morning to be more wholesome then what was driven by what I would like to call justified ‘institute-lization’; that the purposeful intentionality is missing. I have been grappling with this quality issue at church honestly.
I mean in the lack of time spheres – its really about quality time more than quantity time; for time is so precious to me at least, because I’m beat at the end of the day – I choose carefully how I spend it. And it’s true to me – its not how often you spend, but when you do spend it – is it meaningful? Maybe as a friend, I have been accustomed to that nature, that when I do spend time with another, I try to make it count instead of keeping score of frequency and therefore adding my frequent flyer friend points to begin with. And the accounts with spending time God in view of church work/activities seems to be falling unto that placement. So how do you balance work, church life, your social activities and other what nots? For me, if I don’t work this through and through – I’m going to be in a daze of making life choices.
Truth is, the distraction of the devil is prevalent. It’s now knowing how to equip and prepare ahead. And through all of this, I am sensing that things are finally falling into place because the world is falling into pieces. I think the passage from Timothy sums up well. You might gasp at the words but really, when I actually thought about it – I was no different, and the biblical mirrors maps out a needing change in me. Taking up the cross daily – is a choice. That choice is easily made, but try sticking it out through the day with the temptations and distractions, that is why we are called to journey together.
For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!
“It’s not good enough to make progress; we need to make it in the right directions” ~ painting on the wall at Kanna Curry House while having banana leaf lunch today.
A couple discover how not expressing their true feelings can transform their marriage from being a “gazebo”, where love once freely blew through, to a suffocating “prison” ~ written by Charlie Jones.
I’m just trying to collect my thoughts before I head to bed. I should be resting. In a bit. After this.
Today is Father’s Day. Many are with their loved ones. A chance to be with family. A time to be thankful and spend quality time. Another portrait to the family album. It’s nourishing and satisfying. Some are also in the mourning of a loss because it may be the first year, that dad isn’t around. For others, this day may not even matter; for some never knew, some never had. What’s worse – to know but not have or to never have at all, I always wonder?
I’m office bound on a Sunday afternoon, there’s plenty of work. Frankly, if it wasn’t for the sprained ankle I would have been at badminton. Notice how I am always running and never staying still. The idea of settling down troubles me, main reason why I have trouble going to bed because it probes my mind to speak to me.
Dad is away. He’s been in London and Germany for a month and returning some time next week. Mum has already reminded me earlier about father’s day and that I should text him. I told her I will. But the truth is – I don’t know what I should say. A cordial wish perhaps? An honest exchange of my feelings? Or take the angle from a supporting and understanding son? I don’t know and that’s why I don’t like to settle my thoughts to let these things come bug me.
By now, you may guess the relationship I have with my father. It’s not the most ideal I admit but we do have our great moments. But in truth, there’s a burning in the both of us (well more of me I think while he is well, avoiding that piercing fire of mine for he knows). Every year, there’s a card written, there is that comfort hug given to him but it’s all done in such a non chalant manner to seem like ”it’s all cool and it’s just another day”. We look at each other in the ‘chill pill’ mode.
It’s just so funny that I start making plans when people have replied, “eh..today is father’s day lah…hello,come on”. Then it hits me, “Oh….yeah”.
It’s tough for me. What and how I feel about certain issues are kept with me and never expressed to him because I know the heated exchange will just become ever ugly again. Maybe that’s why I have moved out. Not because there’s a cut off but I think it’s because I need this. It could be called avoidance but to some degree, I had enough and I think its just simply better.
I’m really in quite a situation where I’m stuck. I have an emotional attachment to my life here but also a part that is telling me to pack it up and go and build. I struggle because my best mentor and teacher has now somehow become my biggest avoidance. And we both sense it, he wants to teach and I want to learn but there is something in between. As a result, he continues to build for me and my future and leaves me to what I would like to do, and me – continue to stray further. The rope is thinning through that emotional grind, that unsaid in the mind. So I tire and numb myself from day to day to save myself.
The reason why my emotions don’t come into play. That is why relationships don’t come into the picture for me anymore. The future partner, the marriage – zilch. There, I finally said it. The unsettling of my past has frozen my future. It’s probably not an issue of contentment here but resentment. I hate to say it, but it’s true.
I was quite geared up for work to push through the day but these waves of thoughts and emotions have been knocking in my head so much recently that I am at loss. Therapy would suggest, why don’t you talk to someone? And my answer – what’s the point? Other than a listening ear, what else can possibly be done. I have been on a static solo progression since returning to Malaysia – that I have program myself only to equip and prepare for the worst.
I’m sounding like that I don’t have the Lord in me. But the real truth of the matter, is that I do. And that is why I’m being real about this. Trust me, and trust Him, I would not be here if it wasn’t for Him. My personal dark days are over when I ran from my reality. I’m here now, and that reality hasn’t change but God is changing me. And it’s a tough process. I choke up. My time at the library with Aunt YK and Uncle HJ are my comfort pillar – they have become spiritual parents to me, to some degree because the have seen me cry and breakdown during those choking moments and they understand and continue to pour out that God is in control.
I did something really different this Sunday morning, I missed church to be at home. To worship in solitude, open his word and be in quiet to pray and read. In the passage of Luke 5 where Jesus cleanses a leper, where after Jesus had conducted the miracle and multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed – Jesus himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed. This indicates that Jesus habitually withdrew for prayer.
And that is what I’m doing.
That is what I should continue to do
Just remember me in your prayers.
The battles are going to be tougher ahead, and I know all my preparation are to no avail because I have carved it out of my own strength and not his. And funny how I continue to reason it out in my heart.
Happy 60th dad. see you next week
Happy Father’s Day. Many can be fathers, but it takes someone to be a dad.
I’m my father’s son.
Today, I am also His son.
I rest in that promise. But crying helps.
I pray for the day that you’ll understand the tears of today (and past) that you’ll come from your ways.
