I like it fusion. A tinge of western and a pinch of oriental gets it for me. That was a simple lunch of fellowship. A quick stopover at Aunt YK’s is always refreshing. I had to move quickly prior as I was doing some banking, finally got it done. Now it’s time for phase 2 allocation. But all must be done this week. No more delays.

I slept early last night, and it was good. I had such a vivid dream, quite scary but yet relevant – it was all about work. Too much into work. too much into work. Some folks called at 12am for supper. Tom Yam, YUM! have yet to recover. have yet to recover.

You know what, I really like fried macaroni. I’m still thinking about it. And you know what I found in it? “The year is coming to an end soon, reflection needs to happen daily and not year end. “

I have some neat colleagues. One just made me honey with hot water to soothe my throat. They either care or I better get well so I won’t infect others :p

God is good, I’m telling you! I just can’t believe that journey that I’m going through right now, but everything is fitting with firm faith and continuous dedication in putting Him first!

First, it’s Silver Airplanes:-

When I was invited to come on board to help out with the production team, I was unsure what I was getting myself into. It was an opportunity to finally lend a helping hand to another church in the area of the arts. It was a chance to pour out what I’ve been learning internally with Footstool and share this with others so that they could learn. But surely, I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about this.

When I sat in for the first meeting, which was still very raw, I look at the call sheet, I see this :-

Ee Soon Wei – ‘honorary consultant’

I was like, this is madness. It’s way too much for an obligatory title I felt, but I didn’t swing any way about it because that was never the intention. It was entirely to come in and see how I could help them out.

Unknowingly, God unfolded a new relationship with the many I worked with, he folded new relationships into my life, an opportunity to meet new people and share the faith together. Over the course of the next few weeks, I had prayed about my role and also my reponsibility and for the production team embarking on this new project. Even before, PJ EFC had already a keen interest in starting a creative arts ministry. I’m glad that I had this chance to help them finally kick start this!

The journey with them has been amazing, we spent time working together and reading scripts, identifying roles and build blocks together and further strengthening performances along the way. For a first attempt, they went big scale I tell ya! A play, musical and video production even. They had borrowed the script from DUMC, a nice and simple story, ever relevant I say and continues to spread a very pivotal message – forgiveness.

It was great joy seeing everything piece together and the folks were appreciative with the help they could get. I was more than glad, simply because I think it’s my passion. I just love creative arts and young people. Two and two together, can’t go that wrong! :p

Just before I flew off to Russia, like literally, just hours before checking in, I went in for a quick review before I scooted off and I did all I can and continued to pray for them during my trip. Returning to catch the opening performance left me in awe – I was stunned! The dancers were amazing – they really opened up and set a new level on stage I felt, I think, I will always remember this jump by this girl who just basically opened up the stage. Characterization by the main characters crystalize, pacing became a real steady stream to watch and to see act and react with one another.

Last Sunday, was the final show and it came to a closure. And, all I can say is this – it’s been an amazing flight together

Today, I clocked in about 14 hours of work or so, we had our AOP Day. It’s the D-Day! The day, where all our strategic plans come into motion and very much right up to the chopping block, the day where we put our best foot forward to give our best presentations supported with our strategic and action plan. It’s the day where marketeers live to fight for!

0800 hours, we clocked in to One World Hotel in One U, and we only ended at 10pm tonight. It was a really really long day. I was entirely exhausted! There was so much in there to iron out and give attention to. But there’s a major major reason for celebration, at least for me at least!

I won it! The best presentation I am utterly thrilled after all the hard work and effort put in and the ever gracious support and liberty by my boss, we finally nailed it! And and, guess what the prize was ? I was overjoyed receiving but remain calmed of course :p, but I was dead tired but my eyes really opened when I finally saw it.

It was a piece of the berlin wall! My MD went to Berlin recently for business and she basically bought her prizes there! Here’s the masterpiece with gold portions of the grafitti:-

The other thrilling factor is that my MD had bought another 5 pieces of smaller pieces of the Berlin Wall if in any case, the biggest team won. Since that didn’t happened, I was awarded with the other 5 pieces with a task and responsiblity for me to decide who should be awarded the remaining pieces – the people who have helped, or anyone deserving for that matter.

A third surprise, I was given 2 boxes of chocolates and she had hope I will share this with the rest of the team. Gladly, gladly coz I don’t eat chocs! These are chocs from Berlin with one is non alcoholic and the other apparently is. The interesting fact, these are hand painted chocs! It’s supposedly the new thing now, having art in chocs! And they cost a bomb, she paid more for them than Godivas. A chance to digress, we were given complimentary godiva chocs on our flight to Russia from Emirate as a welcoming on board with us for the Sara Lee entourage. I did the very right this time, I ate it! The last time at Uni Ball, I chucked it away and got a scolding of a lifetime. How am I suppose to know that they are expensive chocs! And here are the Berlin babies, unfortunately, the art piece chocs have melted and conjured itself to a montage, hopefully you can still appreciate this :-

Sometimes, all you need is someone to come and put a matchstick and light up your life

Be it red, blue, grey

Let it come what may

Allow it to stay

The mark of encouragement

From the One who bless

The very environment

Of your opinion congress

And I seal it tonight

With the matchsticks that ignite

From Marketing Team Sara Lee

Whee Whee…I rest in jubilee!

::extra: I’m really encouraged by the feedback from the young people with regards to my Homecoming sermon. I guess when you really set your heart right and pour out the very truth of the word in relation to your personal experience, God will personally take it and use it mightily. Salt & Light.

I am back from Russia. You might guess why I haven’t been raving much about it yet. The simple reason – I fell very ill at the tail end of my trip. I’ll share more once I recover. Upon returning, I haven’t had time to recover well. I still went to work on MC, I’ve been coughing like a dead corpse being resurrected; it’s insane barely getting any rest at night because of the continuous repetition of chokes. I have been taking some strong medication but it doesn’t seem to be working. The lack of sleep and rest is probably it.

I have been really swamped since returning, I have so much, absolutely so much to do.

Right now. I’m somewhat relieved. Because I got most of it done.

I am thankful with praise and thanksgiving over a few things:-

1. Silver Airplanes has finally taken off as off last night and it turned out really well! I’m so encouraged by the effort that they have put behind and they have sincerely showed their appreciation too. I look forward to tomorrow morning as I catch the final show and that would bring closure to my collaboration and partnership with them until post-party 2 weeks later.

2. Sermon on Homecoming went well today, amen! I was really afraid about the condition of my voice and lethal cough, I had already lost my voice just before I landed and appeared feverish and what not but God seriously provided the strength through it all. Moreover, giving me the calmness and wisdom to share on Psalms 40:1-3. Maybe once I furnish it up for reading material, I’ll post it up on the blog. I think the crowd responded in somewhat pin dropped silence of reflection which I hope they took back some pockets of gems with them from the message. My prayers are with the bunch.

3. AOP is happening on Monday the biggest presentation yet for my department and I have just completed the video work at about 1ish am. I know, I should be resting, but I really needed to get this done, I have been really on the go. So thankful for M’s help and working together throughout all this. I have to go back to the office tomorrow to clear emails and look through my financial charts. Honestly, I’m barely getting any rest.

I hope after Monday, things will settle down slightly. it’s been on pushy weekend I can tell you that. Nonetheless, I am surprised that this late Sat night at 2:20am, I have cleared a big bulk of it.

I have been popping so many pills and medication. It’s time to hit another round before bed. Church is in a couple of hours.

you know what to do – please pray for recovery. Appreciate lots!

you know, I have tons to blog about. but right now, I am trying to squeeze whatever that is left in me to churn out a decent entry. Life is a busy activity and I said this before, “the basic nature of life is the art of houseekeeping”. I thought it was quite profound.

I am breathing. Taking air for my thoughts. Taking time to express with a true intent. I breathe.

Badminton was once again a night of full excitement, but I think I may have began an on court affair that might lead some people on, including you who might just be thinking, “an affair?!?”. Let me explain, let’s be fair Every week, my game has been improving, the power and quickness has regain its sting which I’m glad and obviously you then become a choice for the old. I’m the youngest rat on court by the way. So dear ol’ Uncle G, loves to form a partnership with me in which I basically cover his arse most of the time on court. I literally burn a great amount of calories with him. I don’t mind the partnership and fun playing, I really enjoy the game. Off late, he has become fairly interesting. For every good or bad shot, he’ll tap my arse with his racquet, and I’m like??!! What’s more appealing is his veteran advisory over the shots which sometimes get to me, “your motion isn’t right, lift the ball, control your racquet etc” – I think the startling fact he doesn’t realize is that I have to transport myself from one end of the court to the other just to retrieve the shot in which I can only stretch out enough to attempt to net the shot over. And when it doesn’t go over – 1) tap the arse with racquet 2) lift the shuttle back to baseline yea. Grr.

To be fair, he probably reckons a father-son relationship in this instance but he is not very hardworking on court and nicely puts it as, “I set it up so that you can kill”. Double Grr. The rationale in any partnership is to look out for opportunities together and then strike. Many times, when there’s a good chance for that he’ll send it back to baseline and we’ll go through the whole muddle of setting up again. So tonight I did the most natural thing after seeing an opportunity for him to kill and knowing that he’ll send it to the baseline I shouted, “Ahh..SMASH!”

The result? He became 18 year old again, estatic many times over.

I find it quite a special time where every thursday, I run around the court with people at least 30-40 years my senior. I hang out with my best friend’s dad every thursday for badminton and dinners after, we even had a singles match recently. And we fellowship, we talk, he’ll tease about marriage, and tell me wonderful stories about his second son I find it a great joy to be around the people and also being in the game. At dinners, we always have interesting chats about life, about young and old, about money, about God. I get tons of free advice on choosing a wife and repeatedly these are like probably the core ones:-

1) Marry someone who is smarter than you
2) Hardworking
3) Marry someone who has a good heart, don’t look at the physical beauty

Aunty H shared tonight about Lee Kuan Yew’s wife who is supposedly not the epitome of secular beauty but possess a great mind and the main attraction was the she had beaten LKY at math test competition and he was eager to find out about this person. Yan commented, “I guess that’s easy to make a choice if you’re looking for the person who had beaten you in math”

I thought about it for a while and then replied to Aunt H, “If I was to base my choices on the math proposition, I probably would have many choices because I really suck at math!haha” She burst out laughing. I like her heaps, she’s an amazing cook and amazing mother, grandmother, person entirely.

Every week I learn something more from these people. I guess, I get to see what I’ll potentially be in 40 years time, I know its simply way ahead of my time (if I live that long), but I think it gives any young man a good perspective on life because they talk about matters like cancer, health, going for cataract surgery. At my age, we talk lasik surgery. So there’s a huge difference, there’s a mention on who wakes up to feed the baby and Aunt H says, “Fatty, has done it all, all credit to him, nurses all his children” And she heads on over to give him a hug and rub his tummy.

I simply take it all in. I am particularly interesting of family household, I have been people watching very much because I need to gather some materials for a later purpose which will be revealed when the appropriate time allows.

Z, if you read this, I miss your company and think if you were back, we’re be doing just about the same every week – good badminton, great dinners, amazing fellowship – one word: smashing!

The brunt or grunt of the matter was suppose to written out earlier but I got carried with the moments. I pulled my back muscle tonight, I think, the middle back – I’m feeling a very tight sore right now and most likely will disrupt my sleeping patter tonight. It’s a little worrying because I travel heavy from tomorrow night onwards. Because I have to prepare some work from home and shoot for some materials in town, I am only heading back to the office tomorrow after lunch.

I am going to do two things in the morning – 1) swim 2) go for a massage.

Flying for 12 hours plus a 5 hour stop over isn’t funny. That’s Russia for you.

I scoot off tomorrow night and I’m not entirely looking forward to that journey coz it’s really long and I have quite a bit on my mind at the moment. I have work and sermon to think about and being away for a week kinda bugs it all. The good thing, the rest are feeling the same too. My initial plan of wanting to read up about Russia was not possible, simply because getting a chance to sit down and just read and finding a book on it was never a chance to begin with. I am just going to go over and see what happens. I have my journal and camera – I think magic is awaiting to happen.

I’ll be away from Friday night till the following Thursday night and next day, Friday and weekend is super crunch time before major major AOP day on Monday. That day is like the day of the calendar year in my work. It’s the day where you either nail it or you don’t. Right now, I’m still trying to find the hammer.

Nonetheless, Silver Airplanes which is the musical drama production by PJEFC which is taking flight next weekend. They have a full dress rehearsal tomorrow evening and my check in time is only at 11pm. I have decided to go in and help them out for one last push before I take off. The irony that we’re both on flying sequence but just on different platforms, guess there are many ways to fly, huh? One’s high to the sky and the other, straight to the heartstrings. I guess the fact that when I had decided to come on board and be part of the cabin crew, I wanted to make sure my level of commitment was there. And I can tell you honestly, I have been having an amazing time working and learning from them. They have been very appreciative and am very thankful for the footstool experiences and learning and also foundational culture that’s immersed in me which gives me a chance to just pour it back out to others. I think that’s using what God has given you so that you may bless others.

iBridge camp was amazing. I had a really good time and spent my raya weekend most effectively. I was practically in my sleeping clothes most of the time, the stuff I wore to bed was the stuff I wore for sessions, I simply let it all down – forget the contact lenses, forget hairstyling, forget work; I simply wanted to be a camper and wear my nametag and where I don’t know anyone and people don’t know me. And it was great meeting new people, starting from a new drawing board and hearing about their lives.

The speakers were fitted and apt to the current themes of the marketplace. I picked up a few gems there and some of the issues that have been burdening my heart I guess, the questions tugging me have somewhat well been, answered. I have gain a much firmer perspectice with regards to my role in the marketplace. The most humble thing to find out is to know that you are already doing some things right so at least I know that my heart is set towards the right direction. But I have still learnt a lot from it but I think in practical desire, I found the people that I want to partner with in my giving as I continue to strive to be salt and light in the marketplace.

As I continue to take time to sit, and look through of the materials and pray and chart my course, I really think I am thinking a step of faith in this and the quiet year of 2007 is simply marking the foot for 2008.

I have written so much tonight. Just pouring out some of the heart issues that matters. and simply matters. I probably can’t remember top half now. But i figured, it’s going to be a week before I hit the blog shores again.

Finding my hiding place
In the solitude I have in Him

“…the single most important lesson I have learned is that it is the people who make things work. We can’t work it all nor is everything under our control. And at times we despise others for reason unknown. But this is work, to be taken seriously not personally.

I have to thank a few individuals for making this experience fruitful. They really made it happen…

Jay Mee: Who I thought was a princess at first, but she proved me wrong over and over again with her sheer determination.

Soon Wei: Quiet… but has a lot inside of him…

I bid you farewell with a lovely quote from the book On The Road by Jack Kerouac…

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ~ CKF, 2007

:: In July 2006, we came together and spent our first appreciation together in everything we did, our first meals, our first assignments. we shared our first, and last week one has left us. To the best of me, I always thought I’ll be the first one to go honestly for reasons only known to me. But since the height of MT days and moving on to our respective strategic units, I guess we’ve in some way move along the different streams but yet, in my quietness which was aptly put – I still think and remember.

MT INC 2006 Last Appreciation Effort Together.

Hello everyone,

Time passes quickly and some might say after long enough, things become passé. I speak for all 3 of us (at some point each of us have been in your face at least once), that the past 2 months has been an experience of learning, a chance to dabble into proper marketing work and familiarizing ourselves with the operations here. On the flipside, we’ve also done some crazy things like taking part in the Spot Me contest, dressing up weirdly for annual dinner and having to down drinks like the Chili Padi Shots!

I’m glad we’ve survived it all….and most of it, we really did enjoy ourselves!

There’s also joy in receiving our monthly moolah that has been a big smiling factor. With all this, we just wanna invite you for lunch as a token of our appreciation. Details are as follows:-

When? 8th September 2006
Where? May’s table, Sara Lee Mkg Dept J
What? We’re buying in Pizza and the works from Domino’s (KF is our chef maestro here, he is fixing the menu!)
Time? 12:15pm

We’ll probably share more of our appreciation on the day itself, and Jay Mee will open up with an introductory appreciation comment before our makan session. We look forward to seeing you there, as always. So, forget the pantry biscuit, the jeruk and mooncake…coz this week, the management trainees are buying lunch!

We really hope we haven’t been like lice,
Coz all we are really nice,
Come join us and have a slice,
Don’t worry about the price,
Coz it’s not about a grain of rice,
It’s all about your tummy size!

And you know for sure, once we leave,
Away from the mother tree,
We still appreciate your advice,
Because you still can be,
As always, the wind for fallen leaves.

Warmest regards from,
“Ridsecto” Choo, “Ambpurryy” Tan and “Brylz” Ee
Management Trainees Inc. 2006

I am gonna miss the good times, dude!

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I’m a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I’ve found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I’m your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I’ve found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

:: iBridge has impacted me. Camerons has refreshed me. Tonight has been an active call of that. Majesty, here I am.

There’s been quite a fair that I have been wanting to blog about but time has been scarce. Right now, this beautiful morning at 8:30am, I’m awaiting for my pick up before we push off to Cameron Highlands. I’ll be away this weekend as many well balik kampung and catch up on rest. I have decided to rest in the Lord on top of a hiding place.

More importantly I have signed up for IBridge camp – a camp focusing for the people in the market place. They will be covering on two main areas – 1) transition into the marketplace and 2) impacting the marketplace. I find it timely for me as I am also working through this new journey.
Pray for me that I will be blessed by the camp there and may He shed some light and understanding through the speakers and many shadows that I will have a chance to meet.

I am also hoping it’ll be some good time of refreshing rest and solitude. I have been really busy. I’m not kidding.

There still war games and silver airplanes which I want to write about but I’ll leave that when I come back, oh, and white crows too.

I just snacked on some Ruffles chips, sour cream to be precise. It was yummy. I felt 15 again and binging like a youth. I don’t do it much because I don’t have the time and personal domain for it. I have been saying that I really just want to kick back and watch a movie, snack on chips and relax. It’s still on my to do list. I visited dad this evening. A rather brief one I must say, I got there 15 minutes earlier before the rest. We chatted. I think he was open with me. His operation went well and he was in good health. He is checking out tomorrow before noon. Praise God. He was reading when I walked in. What was on the menu? The intelligent investor – Benjamin Graham Three Kingdoms (Abridged edition) – Moots Roberts (english translation for the famous chinese three kingdoms). Give it to him for his selection of books, I enjoy digging out his stash and finding some excellent reads. Clearly, he is still churning his mind for the battles ahead.

Mum and brother came in after and served him porridge and there was pin drop silence in the room. I don’t know why but it’s typical Asian more so Chinese, like we have to keep still and things can well, for me, get uncomfortable. Everyone hush so no one steps one on each other’s tail. That was genetic scene when all the family pieces came into play. I simply don’t agree with that emotional pictorial at all. I really do hope when I become a husband and father, it would shed a different style and illuminate cheerfully on my life canvas. I pray for that change everyday just to be simply aware of who I am. In less than 25 minutes, we were sent packing home and he was done. I walked out and wondered, so that’s how it is? I laughed about it with mum and my brother because we all just find it really weird. But that’s how he is. We all try to figure him out but to no avail. However, with me – there’s a totally different side, I think he lets his guard down and I genuinely have conversations with him. I try to share life minus my part about church. He will chat about work and I rope that in for him. He enjoys it.

I think many entries have been about this and this simply means I am still searching for answer through my writing, it may never come but at least a jotted log may be present when I flip through it once again. Some passing dews are meant to be revisited because you never know the priceless residue you might find

I attended a wake tonight, W’s dad. The service quickly put everything back in perspective for me. A good man he was from the many sharing and all glory to Him. I feel for the family and my heart continues to pray for W and her family after being made known tonight about the good fight and life that her father led despite being a very prominent man in the area of business. They were many key figures at the wake tonight. Ultimately, God took his place and reaffirms my life about the dedication that is needed to follow the Lord. To carry our cross daily. Suddenly, the little pricks in life don’t matter so much anymore.

I was asked to do some copy writing for a friend who plans to set up an outfit selling flowers. They were thinking of a name, her bf suggested the ‘Botanist’. She wanted to pierce him with the rose thorns. I just threw a name after a few questions and suggested Petal Notes. I would encourage her to sell an emotional memory and not a commodity. May each petal have a worthy note to encourage or brighten some person. I think I would enjoy doing this and look forward to helping.

I just got news about the upcoming IBridge camp last night. I was thinking about it the whole night because I have been thinking about those very same issues and now they are actually addressing – 1) transitioning into the market place 2) impacting the market place. I strongly feel that this would be an important camp for me in my timely career. I really want to get some perspective here. I’m still praying about it and more importantly praying for expectant heart to learn and receive when I’m there. I wrote to them to see what the schedule and breakdown of topics are like. Since S has been before, she’s been furnishing me with some details and I do hope her hospitality gestures have improve greatly since the Melb days :p haha.

Father I thank you for this life
I thank you for the people who matter
I thank you for experiences, memories,
knowledge, wisdom and intuition

May my petal notes have a sweet smelling aroma
Never a passing dew to the very few
But building a stage of panorama
To invite the many to fill up the pews
To know that life truly matters, when its with you.

Dad went in for surgery this morning. He tells his mates that he has gone to Bali for 4 days. He recognizes Bali as the beach, in which the Pantai (direct malay translation – beach) Hospital, he spends the next 4 days there. You might be quick to ask, “Oh what is he in for?”. I can tell you honestly, I don’t really know, all that I know is, its nothing major and he’ll be out in 4 days. I am fairly aware of the surgery that he is having but that’s about it.

You see, this splendid man has pramagtic attitude towards life, and takes everything with a coast of ego and fairful pride. He never tells much and I also don’t ask because he is never comfortable talking about it. He beats the bush hard enough to even say, consider it a detox holiday for me. I keep mum and well, pray. what else can I do?

He reasons way too much for his own good sometimes. But mostly, people don’t spend time thinking at all and that’s a stark difference in the work he does. He’s an extreme deep thinker in which I personally think, I might understand him more than some who claim that they know him most. How wrong they must be when they believe that they know my dad most because of work times spent with him.

They forget the bloodline. They forget the DNA imprint. They mistaken thing young facade has the very same characteristics that he has. A much well, struggle yet appreciated quality that I try to balance.

He has done well in many right but in forms of family formation I can safely say, he’s on an entirely different tangent. Not an example I can or want to emulate. I recently read a young girl’s blog entry on visual love that she wrote about her dad who had just returned from a long trip. In it she wrote how her dad gave her mum three tight squeezes of hugs and enjoying the love of comfort to be in the arms of each other. And he came over to give her the ‘you okay?’ look and a kiss on her crown. I personally felt that was beautifully written and captured. A scene that would never happen in my home unless a breakdown of tears had taken place.

At my young age, I’m already so aware of my mortality and I believe at my dad’s – he’s even more aware but sadly, he still chooses to reason the very nature of the mind and world because he knows that he still has it in him.

I get tired trying to have that striking off the beat conversation with him. I know what surges him and I know that we both can relate. But so much in me, I want to share a whole different perspective on life – the cross.

But I know that may not happen anytime soon. I only say this from my own personal and mindful reason after all. Bapa borek, anak rintik yea?

I also don’t want to be sharing the good news on his death bed one day. The task ahead of me is daunting.

W’s dad has just gone to the Lord this afternoon. The wake is tomorrow evening. I’m glad that I managed to partner with her in prayer during this tiring process, I think the support is much needed.

I have always painted such a picture if my dad had passed:-

On the pulpit I would share his life and capture the most of his being and the voice of the family, and I would lit a ciggarette, have a smoke – wear my sunglasses and walk out. Dramatic I know, but I think if he never knew the Lord, I don’t know what I can reall say about his life other than the fact that he has provided handsomely for his children and wife but missing the priceless opportunity of loving us in the most unconventional way – a love that required nails to be pierced into his hands.

I guess its my reponsibility to show him that love now.

And a tear rolled,
to each his own.