Struggle. Allowance for growth so that the spirit may intercede.

Human desires (exist) but are now surrendered to the spirit. And they are purified and corrected as we live day by day in faith and obedience.

Remember when I said I had declined the offer for the post of an Assistant Researchers at Synovate. I thought it was the end of it. Fortunately or maybe not so, it has taken a different shape now. I had declined their initial offering and they came back the following day, raising my salary package. I had declined again stating for potential job opportunities offer, which actually I had none. I thought that was the end anyway.

Just a while ago, the HR manager called and we chatted, and he is keen on having me with Synovate. He suggests the potential in me to handle the job, well, flattering,yea…but they are all nice anyway, till you nail the job I guess. Ok, let’s stop being cynical here.

Anyway, he is willing to counter offer for a fairly much better salary package now and it has now made me think a bit. First, I am a fresh graduate with no experience, I should be lucky with repeated offers. Second, we all have to start off somewhere anyway, the bottom it is. Third, its not like I have any other offers now, why not take it and see where it leads and I could jump later on.

I told him I’ll get back to him by Monday morning. I’m going to spend time praying about it and working some questions before I really give in my answer. Honestly, I am bored doing nothing and disappointed thinking about Zing itself.

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Its clearly working on full gear at the moment.

I was 12, and a naive idealist at that time. I was such a heavy comic books collector and thought I would run a chain of them. I had also later, dreaming by 30 I’ll make my first million. I am 25 now, there’s a 13 years difference and how time had changed and naturally changed me too. In 5 years, I’ll be 30. Wow-wee, wonder what and where I’ll be then?

There is a chinese belief that when it rains, the gods are crying. It has been the case for many days now. The overcast cloudy shadows and the solemn tears, running by the skyline reminding me, sadness or may be more appropriately – numb.

Its november, can’t wait till december. To be fair, I can’t wait for this year to end. It definitely had more downs than ups. Some are just not suitable to be mentioned on this blog.

Anyway, I have been focusing my attention to reading and watching Boston Legal. I have one my hands now for brain food are Passion & Purity – Elisabeth Elliot and The Greek Myth Vol 1 – The Folio Society. I flip through a couple of pages and realize that I enjoy reading history, and how different events take place and changes a circumstance. I also like reading about people – find the champions in them.

As a good friend once said, “the mark of a champion is one who withstands adversity”. He said during a game of lucky. His wallet was thinning.

Never been such a reader myself but realize the importance. The necessary need to be active in the thinking box. And without any surprise, the reflective person that I am usually spend a decent amount of time figuring different issues of life. I should just be a mirror.

Synovate called again to offer a raise in my salary with the hope that I would take the job. I still declined. They persistently asked then which company am I heading for and what the salary package was. To be honest, I went in for the interview experience. To be a researcher, clocking in the hours and even going back on weekends because that is the nature of the job scope. Well, I could do it but is not something I want to do.

I associate well with people, which makes me a people person? I would like a job that it out there, on the run and basically working beyond the four walls. I’ll probably achieve greater satisfaction. Somehow, this year is not the year to push my luck. I have much better hope for the following year. However, I have been laying down the ground work and making presence known.

Looking at working trends, people are likely to leave once they get their year end bonus. I would. And, the trend in the world today is not about receiving the award for long term employment. People job hopping with one reason, to get the working experience in various industries and to pick up the necessary skills so that one may be able to their own thing in time to scope.

If I could put it another way, the width and depth of your skill set is important. For example, your width may comprise of accounting, marketing, finance, human resource and whatever else necessary. The depth would the expertise level you’re at. I come from a marketing background and my strength is probably there and I’m weakest at the core number sector – accounting and finance. Necessary though, if you’re going to be your own man next time. I know, I have to learn.

How about a flipside? What about the passion, the things you’re passionate about in life? That sense of desire and contentment when you’re pulling your weight for something you feel strongly about. I know what I’m passionate for.

I have never been much of a conformist. Most of my life, I have done things pretty much my own way. Piss me off and I’ll shoot you. But Christ, has taught me the submission to God, the abandonment of flesh and total reliance on God. Its a tough call, and painful but real truth to follow.

My stigma or desert could be just this. Being a christian in a non-christian home setting. I can’t seem to associate this with anyone. Even to surrender it all to God, has been a prompting difficulty and unable to assure myself that comfortable confidence. The feelings of human emotions i.e the flesh sometimes overpowers it all.

I have opted avoidance on this issue, seems to be the best fitted model for me at the moment. The unsure burst of rage is not advisable. Highly flammable.

I received a call from Synovate today, offering me a job as an Assistant Researcher for the company. I have two days to let them know if I’m taking the offer. Chances are, I’ll pass on it. I am however, glad that I got an offer because after the extremely casual second round interview, and not hearing from them – there was only one word: rejection.

I have sent in my resume to a few pharmaceutical companies, applying for a medical sales representative position. GSK, AstraZeneca and Sanofi-Aventis to name a few. I forwarded my resume to GSK via their company website and nothing yet. A friend who works at Sanofi got back to me today saying that they don’t have any vacancies at the moment but will keep-in-view (KIV). Astra was most recent and I just have to wait and see.

I have been looking at a couple of auditions to try out for too. Will keep you posted on that, some short films and other events. Speaking of which, remember about the audition for KL Lights that I tried out for, I met the director at the gym.

For a 26 year old, as a director. Impressive. I got to know a little bit about his background. He did film studies at Wisconsin and later moved to LA to become a PA for people at Hollywood Squares series. He had then returned to Malaysia and worked with NTV7 and was involved in a short film production call ‘Pua’. Any guesses?

Anyway, he remembered me. At least I left some sort of impression. He commented that I acted well but my face looks young on camera and producers felt that it didn’t suit the role. They were looking for a more older looking bloke. They are however, still casting and looking for that guy. He suggested further that it is going to be a long running season and who knows, he may squeeze me in for some random shoots. *smiles*

It kinda lifted up my spirits after that chat. Hopefully one door will finally open soon. At the moment, I am still trying to fit the keys into the right keyhole. God willing.

I have been wanting to blog about this issue since last week, after first hearing about it. The week has passed and the issue was still clearly lingering in the air, and I just felt that I needed to get it out. I don’t want to point fingers nor be judgmental or anything of that sort. For me, I just want to weigh out the pros and cons of the matter, to write and think, reflect along the way and apply it naturally to my life; my conscience.

As friends, what you read in the following, is an expression of my thoughts about that matter. Anything else I continue to add personally with examples of my life, is just an extended regard. I do feel that I can be blunt and honest too.

For the past 2 weeks, the bible study group was left hanging because of having no materials to work with. Nonetheless, I think God had always planned for something else to take place. For that, I think, the recent 2 weeks, the group has genuinely come together and to some degree, became closer too. I am glad for such close friendship and intimacy. Much prayer has been poured out. Still, there are 3 that are left stranded.

The story is this. There is a couple in my church who have been going out and been looking towards the direction of marriage. However one was a divorcee, and the church has recently taken the stand that they will not allow a divorcee to remarry. Having said that, the person who is a divorcee committed such an act before he became a believer. As a result, this current couple now cannot even serve at church because of their relationship. Therefore, unless they break up, they don’t serve. Furthermore, to remain consistency in the church, there is a speaker who is also from the background; who we had the privilege to invite recently to speak at our bible study and youth camp (which I was so looking forward too!), is now not able to serve in ministry because he was a divorcee.

To put everything in context, let’s the couple M and V respectively and speaker as S. Here’s what I think about the whole matter:-

1. M was not a believer when he divorce his wife. He came to know the Lord at our church. We welcome him with open arms and loved him like how Jesus does. Then isn’t it so, that when one accepts the Lord as His personal saviour, then his sins are all washed away and he begins a new life.
2. For a couple with a stigma (divorce issues), they are now not allowed to serve in church, in the ministries that they have been so actively contributing, these are key people to certain ministries. And because of what they have, which is a relationship or basically dating, they can’t serve. I just don’t understand that.
3. From that it sprung to hit S, and he can’t speak at our sessions.

Let’s take away religion for a while. Let’s be human. If I can say myself, I’m a liberalist? I mean, in life, we make mistakes, you make some, forgive and move on. And more importantly, I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ through grace and love. I stand by the move on grace strongly, and genuine love. What would Jesus do? I read stories in the bible, showing how Jesus spent most of his time with the worst people and continued to offer his hand of healing, blessing and love. He is the one person that pours out hope in all of us.

As believers, we now carry that responsibility to manifest what Jesus is, his characteristics and attitude towards the people that he has call us out to save.

The past 2 weeks, Runaway Bride has been coming up a lot during our bible study sessions. The Untouchables was a clear winner and example of discussion in relation to the matter. And I was basically asked on this based on my work and understanding of social ills.

Well, as I recall the building blocks for the The Untouchables. It was a tough process, a process that required deep understanding, really investing real emotions and thoughts to the situation. As much as I could portray my role as an AIDS victim and hit home the right engaging emotions with the audience, I think to some degree, we easily forget the reality of it all, humans are selfish. I am selfish.

I think that’s the main difference between God and us. In Runaway Bride, the bride selfishly runs away whilst God is continually pursuing us, seeking and asking, “Do you love me?”.

Do you love M, V and S? Do I share their sorrows and burdens.

I learnt this. For one person to come alongside to another with issues, it takes time. It takes a great amount of effort, because we know engage in a potential relationship that may cause further hurt or a better realization of recovery if one is successful. It really takes love to really care for a person. Its easy to care for the healthy ones, but the ones who are sick, where are we to them.

As I continue to work out these issues, I think God is currently staging the real runaway bride at church. He is showing me the real stuff. I’m glad that we may have the possibility of restaging this next year, maybe I would have more experience and understanding portraying the roles necessary.

Ultimately, its not about that. Its about being a christian at every moment in my life, and its starting to hurt me as I realize the importance and necessity of Christ yet having being immersed in the world, it is such a difficult stand to take. Its a tough mountain to climb and sometimes I lose heart.

I pray for the church, that they will consider their decisions for future stands more deeply. As a member, there is a responsibility for submission. For everything, we know that God is in control. And I learnt, its not about me, my feelings, my emotions or my thoughts, its about God. And to know that in spite of all the circumstances in life, we can still come to God and speak of the relationship with Him genuinely, that is truly a gift.

As we lead our friendships, may we also put aside all our differences and being able to share life together through worst and best of times, is truly an amazing experience. I am glad that I can share this with a few great people.

Bible study is at 9. I have 20 minutes before I head off. Thought I’ll spend sometime here and reflecting how the week has gone by. This week has been an exhausting one for me, especially physically. I have been hitting the gym hard and consistent this week, back to pumping the weights and gaining back some strong focus while training.

I have been getting, “hey sw, u lost so much weight!!” and along those lines. Well, I know, and I heard it more than once. Now, its starting to annoy me, don’t remind me. So yeah, I am setting myself back to routine, heavy training and proper dieting and basically, no laziness allowed. Do you hear me mama’s boy!!!

So yeah, I have been pushing the weights with a few mates, the guys I usually train with in Australia. I am determined to set the course right again.

Mostly, I am starting to take charge of my own life, and set the course myself. Inititally, earlier in the year, I had consistently listened to Senior Ee for directions. Honestly, I now had enough and I’m going ahead focusing the life I want for myself. I have spent a certain amount of time, and effort to begin with. I have heard enough of stories and excuses, I just had enough.

I don’t want to lead my next year with the same regret. So no more, no more it is. I have nothing to lose, only more to gain!

Grrrrr….

The Itallians say, “Dalle stalle, alle stelle, alle stalle” – “From the barn stalls, to the stars, back to the barn stalls.” In Yiddish it’s “Schmattes to schmattes in three generations,” or up from rags and back down. In Chinese, it is chilly and blunt: “Wealth does not pass three generations.”

This excerpt was taken from the September issue of the Fortune magazine. I have been doing a lot of reading lately, reflecting on the materials that I have recently taken. It has been an interesting time for me. As I continue to search and find the meaning of life itself, asking questions about spirituality, passion, money, power and to know surely what I want to do in my life.

My naked eye, my unassuming self and my thought provoking mind with the poking interest in my make up has thrusted me to deal with life in a more balanced manner. I know what I should not do, and I do know what I must continue to keep my focus on. To walk in wordly counsel has been a sensitive one, as I continue to explore, seeing how daily affairs are handled, I realize that it may not be my cup of tea. The injection of ‘what’s in it for me, I am who I am’ has been nothing but a dull affair. Life itself, sadly, manifest in such manner, more than often not.

A saint is never consciously a saint- a saint is consciously dependent on God.

If I could rephrase it, a christian is never consciously a christian- a christian is consciously dependent on God. That is true for my case. The fact that I want to honour God in my life, has been such an important responsibility in my life that my actions and decisions affects more than just myself. Foolishly, I used to whack the ideas and face the actions I choose and come back seek God for forgiveness. We’re all grown ups now, we should take responsibiity. And honestly, as much as anyone can be serious about religion, why can’t I be serious about a relationship and my lifestyle.

This year has been much of a drop off point for much of my lifestyle. There are some things which has just taken its end life, and you just have to drop it off to the ocean and let it be. A more serious account is now at sight, and I must not take it as a light that will grow dim.

The blog does its duty for being a reflecting zone.

“We’re not a family business. We’re a family in business” – Estee Lauder (heirs)

That speaks volume and great capacity. It takes perspective to get ideas right and often than not, humans really shift their perspectives where it then becomes individualistic.

I want to be sensitive towards God’s details in my life and not just the exceptional things. I am learning to discern the things He wants me to do in my life. Yes, I am taking time, careful and surely of a time. I don’t want to be reckless.

The blog allows me to set myself in this reflective manner. I decided to blog tonight. I was thinking to myself, its nearly the end of the week, so what’s the story? I am currently listening to Il Divo new album, second actually, titled Ancora. Its been one hell of a week I must say.

First off, with the job applications that I sent out, I was called for an interview this week. I just had an interview with Synovate on thursday, and it was an interesting process all together. I sat through about a 1 1/2 hour interview having to do an acuity test, a market research report and a letter summary first before meeting the management. I wasn’t expecting that because I would have imagined it to be a fairly informal interview. Anyway, had to dig deep into my reserves for my marketing knowledge to come out and trying to churn out whatever other crap to put on paper. Whew! Thankfully it went well. Later on, had a Q&A session with the HR management and went through a series of questions.

I took note of eye contact, body language, proper presentation skills which help guide me along the way. I must say that drama works help one improve confidence and basically getting rid of the nerves. Like one would say, “you know the script but the audience doesn’t!”. In other words, I know myself the best and the panel doesn’t, so just deliver my lines and answers accordingly. After the interview was over, management said they will let me know in a week if I get a second round interview.

They called me back 2 hours later. I am going in on Monday at 4:30pm for round 2. Yay, baby!

Also, earlier this week, I had a bad case of food poisoning. And its not the CBT kind; ceret beret teruk kind. But, the acute throwing up kind that happens in the middle of the night that kept me searching for spritual help and what nots. It was a bad night man I tell you, just having to throw up over and over again. It comes with the package too, headache and fever. I did all I can to restore myself and headed to the doctors the following day. 2 days of recovery, I am back to normal now. Till today, I am not entirely sure how I got it. Thankfully, charity was around to bring me to the docs. I was really showing my muka sepuluh sen-lah. She was very attentive and caring, so I’m glad that she was there for me.

Albeit I had food poisoning, I was grace with two free tickets to Jose Carreras on tuesday night. Complimentary from Z-Toh, and he thought I might like them. I said yes even though feeling like crap because its free! And Charity would enjoy classical anyway. So we went, I must say, he’s impressive. I could go on about him, but yeah just having the opportunity to see him has been an experience itself. I nearly slept during the performance because I was drowsy from the medication or could also be the lack of appreciation for classical music.

There was bible study during the week which started on a very different note and ending with a tense but relevant presence in all of us. I shall not go on further but I do realize that in life, our lives, my life, that its about God, His purpose for us. It is never about me but about Him and if I continue to place priority in about myself then I am going to be facing difficulty reaching the full potential of His plans for me. I also understand that we go through trials and situations, good or bad ones for a reason. Embrace the worst of times that God is journeying with you, taking the initiative to walk faithfully. I am slowly realizing also that I’m changing, as a person. My priorities are slowly changing, what used to matter, don’t matter so much anymore. And I think this inward change is starting to manifest itself outwardly. Submission to God has been the key lesson for me this week, and He carries all our burdens.

The devotional that Charity gave me has been a strong encouragement. Very relevant and reflective at the same time.

I also became one of the best man a for wedding dinner last night. It was all good fun and great memories to keep. And good to see so many old faces as well.

Alrighty, I am now tired. Getting ready for bed and church tomorrow. nites.

The hunt begins tomorrow. Post-raya, where many heads back to work and going back on to routine lives, I shall be looking for a job. I have already prepared and sent out some job applications and hoping something will land on me sometime soon. I have tailored and tweak my resume and various cover letters in the hope to pitch the best deal with them. I have been applying to various industries as well, so far there are:-

1) Assistant researcher with Synovate Sdn Bhd. (MNC – market research company in industry and consumer research)

2) Production Assistant at 8TV

3) Product Specialist at Sanofi-Aventis (Medical representative in a pharmaceutical company)

I am waiting for my resumes to be processed in some only recruiting agencies that will probably be done in the next few working days. Then, I’ll probably hit more jobs then.

Also, went for an audition for a dramedy series which will be produced by 8TV. An english/malay serial entitled – KL Lights. They said they will get back to me after the raya holidays. Hopefully something interesting comes out of that.

But ya, life is getting interesting for me once again. A lot of vague and uncertain situations, I could land up anywhere and be anyone. I am taking this opportunity to journey along the way, with God and myself and see where everything leads me to.

Watch out for this space and if you may, pray for me. Appreciate it.