The popular singing duo, Simon and Garfunkel, had a song early in their career that defiantly asserted individuality and an exaggerated aversion for relationships. In this song the singer talks about being a fortress unto himself, distaining love and laughter, and having no need for friendship. Hiding away in his room with his books and poetry to protect him, he isolates himself from all human relationships because he has identified those relationships as the cause of all his emotional pain. He is a rock and an island alone to himself in the world.

The philosophy of the song hinges on the words: If I never loved I never would have cried. It all about protecting oneself from being hurt by removing oneself from what one perceives to be the source of the pain. I think we can all understand these feelings having been hurt by relationships and finding, even for a season, a certain consolation in being alone. But I think we also would agree that isolation is never the answer to this kind of pain. To love anyone is to be vulnerable and open to being hurt. Love and pain go together, and the only true answer to this dilemma is to welcome them both.

Love costs. Think of what Christ paid when he embraced us. Think of the pain the Son of Man endured in loving a lost and wayward humanity. Love is never without pain. When you sign on to a relationship, you sign on to being hurt. Count on it.

C.S. Lewis once wrote about a place where one can be free from the perturbations of love. (Perturbation, by the way, is the state of being perturbed.) That place is one coffin. Can argue with that. Nothing can get through to you there. So Simon and Garfunkel and C.S. Lewis agree: There is a place you can be safe from the painful aspects of being in relationship with others, but who wants to be a dead man?

What would make Christ go through what He went through for us? Love, and all the rewards it brings in warmth, companionship, fellowship and joy. Nothing brings more meaning to life than love. True love is what God is, and what we were made to know with Him and with each other. Because of what Christ accomplished on the cross, the pain of love will one day be gone. And even now, we can experience its victory.

So what will it be? The high cost and vulnerability of love, or the loneliness of isolation? A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries. But a son or a daughter knows a warm place in the family of God even if it hurts sometimes.

:: This couldn’t land in my mail box at a better time. Some comfort at least, I’ll be reading this over and over again to understand and have the maturity to comprehend something deeper in the works of serving God, being a good testimony and being his steward yet credible.

I remember clearly how that emotion fell into place, knocking all my senses and crumbling my guard to breakdown. My heart felt, and nursed the aching that night. It took place 24 hours ago, yesterday it was.

My heart cried, and tears were the result of the squeeze of pain and hurt I felt. Life is tough, it’s even tougher with the entanglement of relationships in the course of life. I struggle this year, wondering where my place is and I’m slowly becoming decadent to the fact that I don’t want to fight anymore. I really can’t go against him, but if I conclude to his molds then I am not who I am. So where is my place?

The creative person in me fits strongly with my passion for arts. The leadership quality is to be magnified for the responsibility that I need to come to face in a time that is very soon, sooner than ever. It’s moving too fast, I am being blasted and ridiculed where it doesn’t become funny anymore. I just want to see some sort of light through this dark tunnel of life that I’m going through.

The lyrics of Simple Plan’s Untitled seems to click with some thoughts of mine rather sharply. That’s only a part, where as other facets have yet to be talked about.

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t stand the pain

:: To stand firm and grounded as a soldier of Christ in the fallen world is the most challenging move of my life. As I understand more what it is to be a christian, immersed in the word and knowing the Whys – Reasons – Love of God; comes now to the BIG HOW! It’s the how to live for Christ that troubles me especially in the secular workplace that I’m in, the exchange of thoughts with seniority where it takes offense if I cross their line.

I need to take a break, just let go of blogging for a while. I need to just relax. My entries this year have been very heavy for my readers, for myself and this stirring contemplation is getting me nowhere. I should rest, just for a lil’ while at least.

Dad is feeling better, but still residing at home. The road to recovery is taking a little longer for him than expected. For those who are and have prayed for him, I thank you. I am praying for you too, for you know I spoke to you and you know that I was concerned. I am still reminded daily about your affairs, hang in there.

For once, I need to be exclusive.

In this space, I guess I’ll only feel contented after writing this. To some that I may have shared, the encouragement and support has been soothing. I just nod in comfort as my reply but my heart feels humbly blessed.

I feel beaten, after today’s practice. I don’t feel good about this at all. As we spend more time working through our lines and having the assorted rehearsals to work through different areas; I am slightly shaken by this whole agenda. And I’ll be honest about my feelings.

I feel that as I attend more rehearsals, it seems to appear to me that I am losing my composure. I don’t seem to be able to familiarize my roles, strengthen my mind and crystallize the essence of projection. My diction, inflexion and articulation seems to be suffering respectively and well, promising some of these words are now getting to me.

In my mind, as I work through the roles, my execution and channeling of emotions seems to be like a splash of bullets out in the open and hoping to hit the target instead of injecting a sharp and precise emotion, that will capture and encapsulate all that is wanting to portrayed.

I ask myself, am I working through this the wrong way? Am I just not good at this? Has passion been over run by stale progression? I don’t know, I honestly don’t.

I feel like I have hit the wall this time. I want to break out of this barricade. As a result, I try too hard. I force myself to hit certain standards, I don’t enjoy and relax. I am shaken. I am struggling with my own being, the inner self that I battle with seems to be having the edge. I am losing battles but I may just lose the war at the rate I’m going. Or at least I feel so.

However, I am thankful for this. Friends who truly encourage and support, the people who believe and will see that you rise to the occassion. A dear brother left this on msn as a personal encouragement;

“Don’t worry/fret too much about your roles. Take it step by step. You don’t need to trust the Lord to make it to the top of the mountain…you only need to trust Him to take the next step. The way you climb a mountain is one step at a time…not ONE big leap!”

What a day! Drama workshop by Colin Kirton was an amazing time and a fruitful blessing for those who attended. He is indeed, a blessed one in the arts. I had the joy and experience of embracing from his time at BGC today. I hope by this, it equips me further for preparations to the ultimate goal. I have learnt much in terms of theory and shared many great laughs with the youth today. The arts is an impressive tool for engaging in real communication with the heart, body and mind. I am glad and thankful to God that He has blessed us with the workshop today.

I really want to get into details, but I’m tired, really exhausted from the week.

Korean dinner at Bee Won with the school gang, as our once a month ritual just for sharing and catching up turned out to be pleasant. Sufficient for me to see how they were and headed on home after. Tired as mentioned.

Dad is feeling slightly better, keep those prayers coming. Much appreciated. And to those whom I spoke to, I am still praying for you guys!

I’ll write more again. nites

Dad is ill, he’s down with high fever. After much battling with the body, he resigned to seeing the doctor. It may be dengue fever if the condition doesn’t subside in the next 5 days. Pray for him, his body is going through a lot now, physically.

I can’t help to realize this evening as well when I accompanied him to the docs, that when one is sick, you show signs of aging. Well, it was presented vividly and I have to admit, he is aging, and well, he does too. The most important is “good health” he says, and to be content in life. I humbly agree.

I may write at times, to aim high for the stars and to catch the strongest winds hoping to ride them well but I guess, that’s just writing you know.

In the end, simple companionship is more than favorable for me. A quiet night for me, now resonates better with my lifestyle than for me, to try and sell myself short. I am glad to be able to pursue the interests of my passion and fall in love with it.

And the theme for quiet time tonight is “Failing is not the end”. My fresh read has left me with this which I found rather pronounced for thought. ‘It is always the Word sowed in our hearts that reaps a harvest of repentance later’.

Drama workshop by Colin Kirton begins tomorrow morning at BGC. I am excited, it’s going to be a fun time of learning and fellowshipping. A korean dinner is planned after with friends from school. I haven’t seen them for a while, should be an interesting opening. Footstool continues to inject a boost in my life for creativity, and we’re going online by this weekend. I’ll keep you guys posted. It has been said that I don’t relax enough, I agree actually. So here I am, filling a quarter of my possible fun itinerary.

When my eyes approached the skies, finding the possible stars that might strike heart in a tingle has left another tenure for binding. When the sky paints the reflective blankness upon to me, I can’t help but feel the same; blank consciousness but with a spark to see a bigger picture.

If anything that been cemented into me this year, it would probably be this; that my strength comes from Him and not from within. I have done much with my own strength, but I’m tired and rather look forward in dependence of Him. The little that I spend with Him, has granted me greater effort than if I was reliazing the dream on my own.

Life is truly a living experience. Never a day, my heart fails to respond with a new sentiment. Tonight, was particularly interesting but a moment worth tapping. Conditions and shading of emotions paints the living person in you. It’s a gift to feel and respond.

A person with having so many clusters to worry about, it’s interesting to see where I put God. My initial response, that He would be in the middle but after a quick blink, this came to me; He should be in all the different clusters itself.

A friend in need from up north need prayers. Don’t worry, I’m right on it. Prayer warrior from homeground is working on the situation. YOU do your bit, and I’m sure I’ll be shaking hands with a Doctor in due time. Faithfulness, my dear friend. Faithfulness!

::Friendships are like threads that are meant to be sewn on different materials to inject upon a canvas that can only be truly understood if you have been a part of that process. The detailing and attentive passion for the craft resolute an inner desire to have a constant interconnection that sparks an intensity that is yet benign. In response, the rarity of the placement that something sweet yet simple now dwells on my soaking heart. Insightful blessing!

The week has been pretty full for me. As mid-week takes its position, I have been filling my time with Footstool practices, it’s getting more intense as practices go by. Zing is also taking me on a wildstorm, and really, it’s an entire new facade to continue to just try to ‘fix’ things. It’s been such a wholesome experience, a personal trial I must say. Squeezing in time for the gym in the mornings is becoming more painful as I am terribly sore from the intense badminton sessions on monday nights, having to work out in the morning, I mean the relationship between getting out of bed and exercising would mean to me; ???

If I don’t comply, I won’t go about doing it in the afternoon, because I’m too tired. No pain, no gain and presevere, one must!

The new regime that has to be added on now, is to work through Asian notes for my quiet time. I just need to do it, I have to. No show must go on, without the presence of Him. I am learning that I can’t achieve everything on my own strength, I need to draw strength from Him.

“Rub my tummy, I’m a retarded mustard”. Don’t you think that it’s such a weird statement? Yeah, I do too. And it came from me! Weird, usually I’m more composed, I figure this must be the tiredness. I guess for me, to unwind was to watch some sitcoms or animes. Having completed Initial D recently, prepares me for the movie next month. Catching a couple episodes of Joey is really cracking me up. Now, maybe that’s what it means to have a work-life balance.