After being home for so many days, the quiet serene time I have despite the nagging pain after dental surgery, I can’t help but to realise this. At this present moment, it strikes me the form of conversational prayer we have during bible study. To pray to God with an open heart and mind, speaking from within; the heartfelt minutes that is jogged down my life book.

Even with the most advance technology ahead of us, the interconnected world of internet yet many still feel so distant from the world and from themselves. I feel their loneliness in my own right. Yet, I can only assure this, from the different passages that I have read from the bible these past few days; the word still holds true.

Sadly, even I’m guilty, the rich wisdom and key lessons from the bible really passes by me as a chore sometimes. Though, the book of Romans is providing rich revelation recently. I am grateful for Christ, because it has taught me bountiful things, essential humility and the blessings that I must not take for granted.

My only thought ravels around my discontentment being home, maybe its an adaptation phase or maybe what is suppose to kick off hasn’t taken place yet. May begins soon.

Tonight I’m being taught about sensitivity, not my sensitivity towards the outlook but how I can still be sensitively relevant in conversation with the world through Christ.

I am finally back, well connected from my room. This marks the new adventures and imaginative realms of Rizumu. Behold, for the new season of inspirations, thoughts, joy and hurt of the year. It’s going to be an exciting inclination of the phase ‘growing up….growing old’.

The author misses the feedback and comments terribly from its readers. Sure hope to have a more ‘personal connection’ and a steady growth in friendship and not an exponential one.

It’s so darn good to be back :0

I learn everyday, and I feel tired from it. Tonight is bible study. I am hoping for a wholesome session. I need to be re-energized. I need to seek wisdom and patience from above. What is from within has to be dealt with. Yet, many times what ever that is within is strongly tangled with something you hold dear to. The sensitivity strongly resonates a persona that keeps me uncertain.

I am always too tired to write in. I should at least keep a bare minimum of consistency but alas here I am again. It’s encouraging to see some shadows leaving a comment. Well, considering not many know my new thought venue.

I have been asking myself, “What’s on my plate?” with a follow up question on “So, what are you serving and who are you serving it to?” Let’s try to dissect this accordingly.

What’s on my plate?
I currently serve my role as the eldest son of a chinese family with a recent turn of being 25 years of age. Some put it, halfway to 50 but go figure. I look 22 and can easily pull of a lie with a straight face and still get away with it. Could just be a gift but highly unsure. With that insertion, I worked now with the family business and as I continue to rub my hands into the muddle of problems and excitement; I must honestly admit, it’s starting to eat me up. I am beginning to lose focus on the things I want to do. My sleeping pattern is erratic. I finish work late, in the mornings. I speak to Z from time to time after work, drained and tired. Maybe not too much on the physical side but more on the mental weight. As I would love to retire to bed early, just like Lucky (dog) who I see does nothing but just wags it tail and sleep soundly. As mentioned before, it’s in my nature to absorb and dwell therefore a sense of pondering and reflection is forever prominent. With that said, even in bed, my mind is still lingering from the works of the day. My main issue is the balance. Seeing the difference between the black, white and gray. To think that pink is in, one would wonder if color blindness is conformed by your own perception or the environment you resonate in.

On the flipside, I am a christian. A struggling and to some degree, presevering one (at least in strong hope to be). It adopts a good lifestyle and seeks to balance my sanity. My work for Him is under performing I must say, with the upkeeps with my earthly father. There is a tended progression but I guess albeit human, I still need the encouragement. My commitment to footstool players represents my passions for the arts. I intend to work strongly on it, because I don’t find it a bore nor a flavour of the month kind of excitement. Even being away from the arts for some years, it’s just in me to conjure and create new waves. If this is the gift He has given me, I intend to honour Him with it. My risk venture with dear friends from Melbourne has started a potential alternative for earnings. Even with the above mentioned, it’s starting to stretch me. I can say with all this, I should start saying NO to other opportunities. I can’t afford it and I do not want be unfair to the current works I am handling.

What-who serving to?
The answer could very well be obvious, but I would justify my case for my sake. As a son, there is a sense of responsibility and I must adhere to it. Furthermore, there is a degree of social responsibility involved. In business, you’re responsible for your people and as much as money making is the element of business (some may say), we like to keep our businesses clean and healthy. A strong work ethics is suggested and nothing is favoured upon the dark side. This complements my goal for serving the Lord. Ultimately, as cliche as it may be, that should be a goal of a Christian, a believer, to shine out that lifestyle. I hope in the years to come, such a transformation would permit. I am half baked with the condition now.

::Father, you know best and would not let me go without a test, for the rest is not in my hand but on the other where you’re holding mine and comforting the path for proper takings.

I am glad I went tonight. I had nearly forgotten the experience and the impression that BGC bible study leaves upon me. It’s simply refreshing and indeed encouraging to be studying the word of God with familiar faces. I look forward to many more Thursdays with them. It’s undeniable that I’ll be learning much from them and also dwelling in the word over time. It’s time for me to re-account myself, maybe this is my calling for this year.

“Just come home…”

I am thankful for the lesson learnt tonight. The relevance of Jesus, the priority He has over us and the control He has over our lives. We could be at different stages in our life, or repeating a certain cycle of ups or downs, yet I’m sure, that He is ultimately in the game with us. Maybe, I’ll never comprehend what He did and How He died for us on the cross, but my experiences with Him has led me to believe inspite of my weak body, He has chosen to use me for the extension of His kingdom. That is comforting to know.

I am thankful for the mentors and other leaders at church who some have seen me rise and fall in my walk. I am encouraged to see the younger ones filled with passion and energy and loving Him like a 12 year old. I wished I had that kind of imprint in me. To possess such flavor that when I express, they know that the living God is in me. Tonight, I learn the living compassion and humility of fellowship.

I am thankful for those who prayed for my arrival in spite the delay over the many months. I am thankful that I was reminded if I wanted to pursue the race of life, purposefully and spiritually, I should conduct my manner accordingly. Previously, being scattered and having the go forth attitude has left me to be exhausted and forgetting to live in the present.

Tonight, I don’t need to have moments to complete me. Tonight, I have the present.

I need some sort of motivation to get my act together. The inconsistency of my passion is starting to inch itself into decadent. I wonder why, and spend most of it lingering around the endless thought.

“Pick yourself up, and just do it!!”

If only it was that simple, I guess that’s the main difference between school and life. You’re guided in one where as the other, you’re really on your own. So much infomartion out there, it’s to your own discretion how you dissect it for your mindful appetite.

I can’t help but wanting the easy road to success, but nothing is easy for Rome was not built in a day. Simple yet profound. On the flip side of the paradigm, I am unsure what I’m building is entirely possible at the end of the day. I liked a recent quote I heard from a dear person;

“The impossibles can be done right away, miracles just take a bit longer”

Such a positive remark that may just surge you to great heights. I wish I had such determination, I should if I want to be on par and at pace of where I want to go.

Life is a like a box of chocolate. That line never made sense to me and I guess life itself would not to. I accepted that line, for I accepted life.

Having affordable dreams is a luxury, unimaginable dreams would absurd your sanity. What more then, if you were to take a risk, that may gain you or lose all, which dream would you go for?

Maybe that’s why I am insane in membrane.

I learnt today, what it meant to let go. I only pray for the patience and wisdom to act accordingly. Creative as we may be, reactive we are too. Let’s hope this was one card that we’re willing to sacrifice for the better quality of life.

I wish I knew for certain what I was living for, and find that someone to live it with me. I wondered about the rail tracks beneath the floor for a long time when I was young. I would tell people that there’s a train under the planks of my floor. If you would only join me by placing your ear side by side with the floor and listen carefully, the sound of the train coming by. The vibrations and inconsistency seems to tell me a story everytime. It seems that the train is coming nearer from the audible world but not in reality.

Many years have passed. I found the answer to my blunder wonder all these while, from my naive youth.

Now, I listen to something else. Something that is even more complicated yet ever real. I listen to the heart beats and the spirit of my heart. The feeling of risk and insecurity has been appearing more than ever before. To think, I would feel young and refreshed…