In the last 4 weeks, I have felt the most discomfort that I could possibly imagine. I only wish it was my doing alone.

Put together with lower back injury that has been showing slow signs of progress, not to mention a second fall to top it off, I really thought I was in it for the hell hole.

I’ve lost too much weight in the last 4 weeks.

Today, I had a saving grace, with the MRI results. I am bloody lucky and thankful. Although I have a peace of mind, I can’t deny the pain that I am still going through.

I need to focus on recovering and resting in plenty of areas. And come back stronger. Case in point, it may be a slap from the big man up there saying, “it’s time to rest, it’s time to let go. No more pushing yourself”

I reply with a tone of surrender, “okay”

My body is showing signs of spasms, and singing unrest, the lack of quality sleep is greatly affecting my recovery. Not long before I become a train wreck if I’m not careful.

There’s also too much going on out there that needs my attention, the landscape has changed significantly in the last year. New roles & responsibilities, new direction with strict gearing, it seems endless.

And I am beginning with an injured posture. I won’t finish the race well this way.

With that, I have decided to stop writing on this domain. I still love writing, but just not here anymore. I need to focus on myself: recover, rest, and get well and come back stronger.

Enough of outpouring, it’s time to think for myself (for once). And, that’s what I’m gonna do.

It’s always hard to say goodbye.

While I may have named my first home project 299A: The First Abode, I’m on the path to the second entitled The Plot. Here are some confirmed accessories for upcoming furnishings ahead.

(Haruki Oak Table)

(Mandarin Chair – Modern Classic)

The First Abode went with a more resort like cozy home feel, I’m attempting The Plot with a modern contemporary touch with zen fabric. I hope it turns out well. I was pleased with the The First Abode. Who knows, I might get pretty good at this and may become a new interest of mine over time.

(The First Abode – which I’m looking out to rent)

How Many Kings

Follow the star to a place unexpected
Would you believe after all we’ve projected
A child in a manger

Lowly and small, the weakest of all
Unlikeliness hero, wrapped in his mothers shawl
Just a child
Is this who we’ve waited for?

Cause how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Bringing our gifts for the newborn savior
All that we have whether costly or meek
Because we believe
Gold for his honor and frankincense for his pleasure
And myrrh for the cross he’ll suffer
Do you believe, is this who we’ve waited for?
It’s who we’ve waited for

How many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?
Only one did that for me

All for me
All for you
All for me
All for you

How Many Kings Lyrics- DOWNHERE Song words

Single Song Words by Artist / Band : DOWNHERE
Lyrics Title : How Many Kings
Taken from Album : -
Single Released : 2007
Music Genre : Christian rock

:: The raw beauty of love, unmasked, pure and eternal.

Bittersweet on the inside thorny on the out. Actually, I just feel like having some.

January hasn’t been the greatest start for me since the uninvited injury that came two weeks ago. What more with residue spillovers from the neighboring year. As the cursor blinks and I try much to pen my thoughts down, I find myself coming in and out of thorough reflections. There is just so much happening within me, around me and in the world at present. Breaking news of disasters whether man made or otherwise, the presence of mortality is so evident before us.

I am unsure if the injury is a blessing or my road to recovery permits a silver lining at the end of the day. I am aware of this though, I had to slow things down a lot. My mobility has been hampered to a point it has descended me to being very frustrated at some points. I find myself needing to rest and lie down so that the body may stretch out the affected tightness areas. Frankly, I’m not very used to that. The pace I meant. I am fine with taking a holiday and getting good rest when great work is done. Not this start and stop symphony, where momentum building is practically a funeral at best. I am trying my best to manage this.

I guess the first, is to accept my condition and situation. While treatment has been great relief and munching on Celebrex has been a safety pill, these tools are quickly running out on me. I really just want to get up and start running again. But the stairs humbles me every single time. There is something about walking down stairs with a lower back injury. For example, while I was taking a call at my parent’s home yesterday, thinking to myself while walking down the stairs and listening attentively to the phone conversations, it wasn’t as if there was a step I missed, just as I landed on the platform, there was this triggering pain that sent shocks up and through (or however it may travel) to my lower back that made me scream in continuous agony. I couldn’t retaliate other than collapsing forward and thought to myself, “what in the world just happened?”. The receiver on the other end got the brunt of the vocals as I grunted away.

It made me surrender immediately and the need to lie down again. To recharge as if the indicator of pain made known who’s the boss.
(To think I wanted to head back to the gym starting tomorrow. Perhaps my open mind in this scenario had my brains falling out.)

My life situation with the work and moving out didn’t give me much liberty to be still. I had to do some personal carrying and paid the price along the way. Now, I just motivate people to move things for me. I had to travel to different locations and sites for viewing and management purposes, where car traveling seems to be the most popular choice. So the act of getting in and out of the car continues to add stress and compress my lower back. So walking become an alternative, standing up become a choice although it meant I was looking down on others during a meeting. Literally. A walk in the park one evening became a great humility lesson for me. Every step taken was measured and calculated. Taking many breaks along the way, pacing my journey and trying to enjoy some of it. I didn’t realize the amount one can see or appreciate when you take time to focus the stuff around you. I mean, it’s not like I was going anywhere much faster anyway. It made me feel very vulnerable and appreciative about life.

And, after many weeks in that frustration, this became a comfort balm when I read this:

I have discovered that patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting. Joyce Meyer

I also enjoyed Z’s sharing on another definition of another definition of patience ala henri nouwen:

“Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let’s be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.”

My patience is wearing thin for a lot things, some rooted much deeper than what I have written here. But I wait, for the unknown. I do hope, that at end of it all, I will have good attitude, and that hidden treasure I may find, may be good and I can stand firm appreciating it.

I am trying to be hopeful but as I continue to read up on what has taken place in my country, I immediately get a rude awakening. I am in utter shock. Never say never, and if you still don’t believe it – this has happened!

Our country is a real joke. A tragic comedy. Here’s the opening scene.

Here’s a class act of special effects.

We have a problem. A serious problem. How in blazing fire can you be bombing a church!? Or any place of worship for that matter. I just don’t get it! Our economic instability has completely lost its fire to be even competitive within our region and what’s left in our tanahair now becomes a circus show.

Well, the  leader lead actor better as hell come out so soon, because we need a hero to sort this out. Oh wait, chances are we don’t have the budget because most of it has been…. (you can fill in the blanks here).

Malaysia, my home. There goes Visit Malaysia 2010 and 10 years till we hit Wawasan 2020. Yeah, we’re right on track alright.

I woke up this morning feeling like a baby. Not tender, loving and cute but experiencing something else. For the first time, I had to dabble in a roll-to-move technique, whereby I need to roll myself around to the edge of the bed and figure out how in the world am I going to land myself right up!? I felt like a baby, where most of my vision was facing towards a ceiling or a blank wall.The only difference was that I didn’t have a caretaker, nor someone to scoop me up or tuck me into bed and give me a hug that sort.

This might suggest I have just immediately turned soppy. The truth is far but the reality is much nearer.

As this point, my position has been deemed injured. Yes, for a lack of a better judgment and focus, I had injured myself. I pulled my lower back muscle during a workout and the pain that I am experiencing right now is acute with concentrated stiffness.

I feel like a baby in bed and walk like an elderly when on foot. Okay, stop laughing.

As much as I would be bed bound, I am still needed in work service and I try to cover as much ground albeit slowly. I should take some rest.

It gives me some time, to catch up on reading actually and some writing which I enjoy most. I found my little facebook update rather amusing after a discussion with some people when I finished my therapy. I was going on about the fact why are people liking my status message when I am in incredible pain? I wrote:

okay, the pain is not funny anymore. The act of sitting down and standing up is not helping either.

If you don’t read it in its context, I guess the content may suggest something else. We all broke out in laughter after that. I am not heartbroken, at most somewhat back broken (lower back pulled muscle condition).

But seriously, I feel the pain. It’s getting stiffer by the day, and it was rather daunting when I was walking earlier, a sharp pain shot right up from my lower back causing me to collapse. Thankfully I got the handrail in time, but it was a clear sign that I should sit down. Oh wait, I can’t sit. Nor can I stand for a long while. Which means, lying down seems the option to do.

Sometimes, a hug would just do.

During the final days of 2009, I was deciding on how I would frame 2010. Knowing for  a fact that it will be a year of quick pace with much variety sprinkled with unexpected surprises, perhaps suggesting only this, that it’s going to be a busier year than 2009! How does one stay focus, whereby you don’t just fire the arrows but the target itself.

The big question is – who/what/where’s the target?

I am glad I found something to help me out via my twitter and you should try it too. It helps me by giving me a bigger picture of the year ahead and putting things in a much better perspective versus resolutions, to-do lists, and etc.

Here’s my 3 guiding words and many thanks to Chris Brogan for that framework that just works for me personally:

1. Manage

2. Grow

3. Share

The background for this year will require me to develop two very different yet complementary businesses and although I don’t have the success answers at this moment, the journey in the last couple of months have quickly opened my eyes to plenty of opportunities (learning).

And those are the 3 guiding (big, goal) words for me. I will need to manage these things, grow them and also share my learning opportunities, share it with my community and build a platform for plentiful shadows to interact and engage in community transactions. To say that I am building a tribe may be too far fetched at this moment but you’ll know where I am heading if all goes well.

In the coming months, you’ll see me using these 3 words interchangeably for the print & food business. I’ll keep you posted with the exciting updates ahead

Managing affairs, growing portfolios, sharing the platform, ultimately, growing the community.

This nature of work combined with the right nurturing may bear good fruit but most development testing has been pretty focused on the low hanging fruits. Either way, at least I’m picking up (learning) some new things.

Join me, share with me your 3 words. I would love to hear about it? Helps me in my walk ahead.

Thank you, all the best and people – the year has just started, so let’s rawk & roll!

I don’t think writing this will be easy to put together. It’s been a while and when I could churn miles of words, I have been more careful off late about how things should be written or sound like. Either way, there’s been a change.

And that’s how my year has been – a year of change.

I have fought many battles and yet to win a war. I didn’t find the warrior in me but I found what it meant standing up for what you believe in. I had to learn quickly that retreating is an option. To list them all would be merely stating the facts and losing the story. I wish I had a story that I could share to wrap up my year. Instead, I probably spent more time this year collecting stories of others, and paying attention to their stories instead. They have inspired me.

To think the earlier years had me staying at home and choosing to revise, how quickly I see a gear shift whereby now, I, stay home and realize. It has been a big year for reflection and some deflection.

If you’ve been catching up with me via the blog, I just wanted to extend my appreciation. For your time and effort in communicating and giving me that push and lift when I needed them most. When I took a break from the blog sphere, not intentionally, it was how life was taking over and shaping other priorities of mine that just needed that attention and care, I submitted to serve that portion of my life.

The pulse of this blog is in the beautiful interaction with the thoughts in my mind and the occasional valuable feedback that helps me in my walk. As you know (if you’ve read), there’s been a transition in the workplace, church life, and everything else around it. Some more personal that doesn’t allow such open forum discussions but still represents the part and parcel of what we call life.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I also look forward to sharing this one day with full effect that I believe in what I do, that sense of balance. This is a 30 second speech by Bryan Dyson who is the CEO of Coca Cola.

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and  you’re keeping all of these in the Air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.

But the other four balls – Family, Health, Friends and Spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocable scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for it.”

Work efficiently during office hours and leave on time. Give the required time to your family, friends & have proper rest.

In sum, I posted this on twitter this morning just reflecting the year with 140 characters:

I am taking a walk in my mind, leaving some behind and starting anew for the new year in kind. This process of find is a new bind.

Happy New Year to you and may many blessings be ahead of you. I look forward to 2010 with you!